The Beginning of a Long Journey

June 24, 2005 seems so long ago. That is the day our adventure to becoming parents began. It has been nearly five years and by the Lord's sovereign will, we have not conceived.

When we began this journey so long ago, I felt strongly in my heart that we would have trouble conceiving. I cannot tell you how many times I cried, felt outrage, questioned God’s love for me, and felt like I was being punished for mistakes I made as a young adult. To make matters worse, it seemed like pregnant women were everywhere. It seemed like everyday someone else I knew was announcing a pregnancy. Every commercial on TV had to do with pregnancy tests or babies. The more I noticed, the more bitter and angry I became…until May of 2007. That’s when my heart began to change.

Scott and I had gone to visit his parents in Lumberton, Texas for the Memorial Day weekend. My sister in law (who lives in California and was pregnant after trying for one month) had sent a video of how the baby room was coming along. Please do not misunderstand my feelings that I am about to share. I love my brother in law and sister in law very much and was very happy for them and overjoyed to find out I would be an aunt. But this particular day, I could not get past my own pain and after watching the video I had a near melt down emotionally. I went into our room and cried. I was broken and desperate. I was ready to give up and somehow tried to convince myself that I no longer wanted children. The pain was just too great the bear.

Birth control seemed like the answer. I called my doctor when we returned home and picked up my prescription. I decided that by taking birth control it would relieve me of going through the agonizing disappointment that would come each month after another failed attempt since I would be preventing pregnancy intentionally.

I called my parents had them meet me for dinner to tell the news that I couldn’t handle it anymore and was going to start taking birth control to get some emotional relief. That’s when it became clear that our infertility journey was not just affecting me and my husband. My mom began to cry. It had not occurred to me that she was hurting too. You see, I was so wrapped up in my own selfish and self-centered pain and suffering that I did not look beyond myself. She said something I will never forget. She said that “Don’t you think that by taking birth control that your telling God that you don’t trust Him and that your trying to take control over a situation that He is sovereign over?” OUCH. This was the reality check I needed. I never took a single birth control pill. I threw the prescription away. That was nearly three years ago now and I have grown tremendously in my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ since then.

You may be wondering why I have not mentioned the Lord or my faith in Him much before now. That’s because at the beginning of our journey and through those first few years, I didn’t rely on my faith much to carry us through. I was doing it according to MY plan, which wasn’t working out so well. My mom asked a question that I needed to hear. It made me evaluate what I was really thinking and where my heart was. Why had I not trusted the Lord? Why wasn’t I leaning on Him for comfort? Why had I not been praying fervently about this difficult trial?

That’s when things began to change. I was at one of the lowest points in my life and that’s when I saw and felt the grace of God come upon me.
Matthew 11:28-30 (NASB) says “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

This verse quickly became one of my favorite passages of scripture. I found tremendous comfort in it. You see, I had to learn to stop relying on myself for I am weak and a wretched sinner. Once I stopped focusing on my pain and changed my focus to the Lord Jesus Christ, everything changed.
I was given a peace like none other. I was given hope and joy and contentment. And when sad or angry feelings would creep back into my heart…I confessed them to the Lord and prayed. I cried my heart out to the Lord and He comforted me. He is faithful.

We recently learned that our chances of conceiving naturally are extremely low. Our only option for natural conception is in-vitro fertilization. We were told our chances of success would be around 70% (our current chance without medical intervention is around 0.01%. Unless, of course, the good Lord decides to make it 100%).

Scott and I decided a long time ago, that in vitro would not be an option for us. So you can imagine our initial shock and disappointment when we were told that in vitro would be the only way for us to conceive naturally. If the Lord so chooses, He may remove our barrenness and allow us to conceive naturally.

Despite this discouraging news from the doctor, Scott and I have found comfort throughout our very difficult infertility journey. We have found our comfort in Jesus Christ.

Lamentations 3:22-24 says The LORD'S loving kindnesses indeed never cease.
For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."

We decided awhile ago that if the Lord chooses to closes the door on natural conception, that we would pursue adoption. We have selected a local Christian agency and are so excited to see what God does during this process.

No matter what happens or whatever the outcome, we will trust in our Lord Jesus Christ…even if His will is for us to be childless. You see, what really matters is eternity. This life is only temporary and we are not promised our very next breath.

We are wretched sinners and deserve to go to hell. But by the grace of God and Jesus Christ’s death on the cross, the Lord has enabled us to believe and to be regenerated through Him unto salvation. He has given us new hearts and minds. If you have not repented, humble yourselves before almighty God and repent. Turn from your sin and follow Him.

Psalm 25:4-6 Make me know Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day. Remember, O LORD, Your compassion and Your loving kindnesses, For they have been from of old.

Thank you, Jesus for being our light in a dark world.